Biscuit

19 Hours a Day, and He'd Argue For More

Biscuit considers sleep a full-time career and treats the remaining five hours of his day as an unfortunate scheduling error that management has, so far, refused to correct. He has filed no formal grievance about this, mostly because filing a grievance would require staying awake long enough to write one.

His snoring has been independently verified by multiple visitors from the driveway, which is roughly forty feet from where he sleeps, indoors, with the windows closed. Scientists have not been consulted. Scientists have, frankly, not been invited.

Biscuit does not sleep in one spot. He sleeps in every spot, sequentially, as part of what the family has come to call his "nap tour" — a rotating circuit of sunbeams, dog beds, human beds, and, on one memorable occasion, an open dishwasher rack that he insisted was "structurally supportive."

When awake, which happens mostly by accident, Biscuit is warm, easygoing, and immediately looking for the nearest horizontal surface. He holds no grudges, mostly because holding a grudge requires energy he has already allocated elsewhere.

Known Offenses

• Sleeping through his own birthday party, twiceNo apology offered
• Snoring loud enough to set off a neighbor's car alarm (disputed, unconfirmed, plausible)Under review
• Occupying the dishwasher's lower rack for forty-five minutes, claiming it was "ergonomic"Appliance decommissioned for the day
• Failing to wake up for the smoke alarm test, twice in one weekDeeply concerning, deeply on-brand

A Day in the Life

What the Rest of the Yard Says

• Has a documented "nap tour" of at least six preferred sleeping locations.
• Once slept through a thunderstorm, a doorbell, and his own name being called four times.
• Considers waking up early "9:00 AM" and late "9:03 AM."

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