The Fence Line Answers to Him
Gravy arrived at The Bulldog Farm with no formal law enforcement training and, frankly, no formal training in anything, but that has never once slowed him down. From day one he appointed himself unofficial patrol officer of the perimeter, a job with no salary, no badge, and no actual authority, all of which he has chosen to ignore.
His technique is simple: walk the same stretch of fence line, over and over, at a pace best described as "purposeful," while radiating an aura that says he has personally seen things out there that the rest of the pack simply wouldn't understand. What those things are, he has never specified. Ask him and he'll just give you a long, meaningful stare and go back to patrolling.
Squirrels are his primary rivals. He has never caught one. He does not need to catch one. In Gravy's worldview, the mere act of being seen patrolling is sufficient deterrent, and honestly, given how few squirrels currently live on the property, the data supports him.
Off duty, Gravy softens considerably — he's an easy convert to belly rubs and has been known to escort visiting toddlers around the yard with the same gravity he brings to squirrel enforcement, just gentler. He takes both jobs equally seriously.
Known Offenses
- Detained a leaf for nine minutes on suspicion of movementLeaf released, no comment issued
- Operating an unlicensed security detail out of the northeast corner of the yardOngoing
- Escorted a squirrel off the property that was, on review, already leavingClaims credit anyway
- Excessive drooling on a guest during a routine "security handshake"Apology issued, sincerity disputed
A Day in the Life
| 6:00 AM | Perimeter check. Files a mental report. Tells no one. |
| 8:30 AM | Stares down a squirrel that was already fifteen feet up a tree |
| 11:00 AM | Patrols the same forty feet of fence for the ninth time |
| 1:00 PM | Brief tactical nap in a strategically defensible position |
| 3:00 PM | Greets arriving families with full security screening, then a belly-rub request |
| 6:00 PM | Final sweep of the yard before sign-off |
What the Rest of the Yard Says
"He walked the fence line past me eleven times in one afternoon. I have never felt more protected."
— A visiting grandmother
"He reports to no one, technically including me."
— Chalupa Batman, Head of Security
- Has never caught a squirrel. Has also never lost one, which he considers the same thing.
- Believes eye contact is a legitimate law enforcement tool.
- Off the clock, he's the softest touch in the yard. On the clock, nobody's sure when that is, because he's always technically on the clock.
Meet Gravy on Patrol
Come see the fence line's most dedicated, least deputized officer in action. He'll take your visit very seriously.
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